


out of the ocean

by kindaopps



Series: to be at the beginning again [3]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Forgetting, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, remembering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-06 04:15:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14633876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kindaopps/pseuds/kindaopps
Summary: Viktor remembers.(takes place after part 2)





	out of the ocean

**Author's Note:**

> title modified from richard siken's scheherazade "tell me about the dream where we pull the bodies out of the lake/ and dress them in warm clothes again."
> 
> i wasn't really planning to write this, but i've seen some comments about whether viktor gets his memories back - this sort of wrote itself and i hope you enjoy

When he woke, it was bright, and he knew. 

His beautiful husband was still sleeping soundly, his hand curled towards Viktor, the simple golden ring glinting prettily in the early morning sun streaming into the room. Yuuri's dark hair was spread out under under his head, like black raven wings, and his face, asleep, was peaceful.

Viktor had woken up like this since they had started living together again, but today, instead of the warm contentment sinking into his bones, he felt a wave of crushing agony. He sat up in bed, the covers sliding to pool around his naked waist. He was dreaming, a dream about a long time ago - yes. He closed his eyes, and remembered, the first time he'd heard Yuuri play, haphazard but lyrical, with innate flair, the shock giving way to fury ( _how dare he, how dare he waste his time away when he should be polished into a glittering, shiny diamond already)_ , their hands playfully running along the black and white keyboard together, flirty and light-hearted, the sounds of their music ringing like celebration bells in the air, Yuuri's bewildered, adorably confused face when Viktor kissed him for the first time, the edges of his ears and the back of his neck tinged red, when they had moved in together, Viktor pushing Yuuri down onto their still unwrapped sofa and kissing him, his face and his mouth and his chin, the love and ecstasy he felt, so fierce he couldn't help but needed to touch Yuuri, brand him with his love ‑ he touched his own face, and his hand came away wet.

He _remembered_ , and he knew - and he knew that he had hurt Yuuri in ways that cannot be so easily patched back together. It was like he had stitched close a huge, gasping wound and then accidentally ripped it, slit it open, and it came pouring out, overwhelmingly sweet and bitter and painful all at once; the overload of memories choking him and making it hard to breathe. The images, when Viktor prodded at them, came bursting out like paper birds, jarring and cutting and nostalgic and despairing and ecstatic and ugly and beautiful and wistful all at once, but they all left a bitter aftertaste in his mouth because they rang with the knowledge that he had abandoned them, had abandoned Yuuri, who looked at him like _that_ , like Viktor was the brightest, most precious star-

_God_. He hated himself. Looking at Yuuri, sleeping on without a clue, sleeping on as if everything was fine, like he wasn't nursing a big wound caused by Viktor - Viktor bent down and rested his head against Yuuri's shoulder. He breathed carefully, and rubbed his burning eyes, and pushed himself out of bed. 

He needed to think. To sort himself out, and his newly regained memories.

\--------- 

Yuuri woke up later, ruffling the sheets and making a soft sound as he stretched his sleep heavy body. Turning towards Viktor's side, he reached out sleepily only to feel the mussed sheets beside him, cool. His eyes flew open, blinking in shock which then turned into panic. For a brief moment, he wondered if the previous year was something he had dreamt up, but his golden band calmed him down a little. He sat up, feeling for his missing husband, trying to calm his suddenly racing heart. Something crumpled under his fingers, and he put on his glasses to read the words.

_My love,_

_Come to the seaside._

_Vitenka_

Yuuri frowned, but thumbed at the words and then went to wash.

It was a bitterly cold day, and Yuuri huddled in his down jacket, his shoulders hunched to his ears. He was confused, concerned, and he waned to see Viktor soon, cranky that he woke up alone. He spotted a figure with a large brown dog at his side near the end of the beach, his silver hair blowing backwards from the wind. Immediately, his mood lifted, and he walked quickly towards Viktor, calling his name. 

"Vitya!"

Viktor turned, and the wind picked up, ruffling the ends of his hair, already wind-swept and messy. His nose and ears were red from the cold, and he was sniffling a little, but most importantly, tears were dripping from Viktor's eyes like white pearls, blurring the bright blue eyes into shiny glimmers. He stared at Yuuri, the tears still falling rapidly, then his mouth twisted into a small, tortured frown. He closed his eyes and then sniffled, his voice breaking into a sob. 

Yuuri was utterly terrified. He stared for longer, panic rising in him (but at the same time, wondered how Viktor could look still so - beautiful, crying), then sat down beside Viktor, grabbed the man and pressed his head against his chest. Makkachin was quiet, pressing her body against Viktor's thigh on the other side. 

"Shh," he whispered, and Viktor made a heart-breaking sound, small and soft and agonised. "It's fine, it'll be fine, I'm here."

"Yuuri..." Viktor sobbed, his fingers digging into Yuuri's shoulders, his tears soaking Yuuri's jacket.

Yuuri rocked him, utterly bewildered, petting his head and humming under his breath. Viktor stopped after a while, but he clung onto Yuuri and held on, hiding his face. The sea was refracting glittering light, like diamonds shimmering on the rippling mass of blue-green, the sun shining down its rays through the heavy clouds to bathe the area with tranquillity. The seagulls cried mournfully overhead, and the waves whispered reassuringly with each break and ebb against the shore. Slowly, Viktor's sobs tapered away to heavy breathing.

"What's wrong?" Yuuri asked him, soft and quiet, gently taming the back of Viktor's ruffled hair. Viktor squeezed him, burrowing closer as he wound his arms under Yuuri's jacket.

"I'm sorry," he breathed, and he sounded like he was on the verge of tears again. Yuuri had a mild spasm of panic, and he tried not to overthink. He gently pushed Viktor away, cupping his cheeks between his palms and rubbing away the streaks of tears, thumbing under his reddened eyes.

"What for?" He asked, smiling a little, "if it's for forgetting to wash the dishes, I'll forgive you this time."

Viktor didn't crack a smile at that, and he looked away, reaching his hand up to hold Yuuri's.

"I... know," he said, "I remembered." 

"Remember? What?" 

"Everything." 

Yuuri frowned, confused, but Viktor talked over him, getting agitated and flustered, bringing Yuuri's hand down to his lap.

"Everything, Yuuri, everything, our music, Tchaikovsky, your Chopin, Mozart in autumn, when I kissed you for the first time in that room, and that snowy day... when I..." He took a breath and pressed his hands to his eyes. "When I told you I loved you," he croaked out, "that first time, the snow was so white and glittery, wasn't it?" 

Yuuri stared at him, and then awkwardly rubbed the back of his head. He bit his lip hard, then drew Viktor close to rest in his embrace. "Yes, it was," he said quietly, "wasn't it a beautiful day?" 

"Two whole years," he heaved, his eyes wet again as he drew a hand over his face, his shoulders shaking, "I can't..."

Yuuri took his hand away and tilted his head up, kissing the apple of his cheek. "I don't know why you're crying," he said gently, cracking a smile at Viktor, "isn't it a good thing you remembered? I'm..." he paused, quickly sorting through the feelings pilling up in him, "I'm glad you did." 

Viktor took his hand down and rubbed at his eyes. "But I forgot about you. About all that. And I hurt you." He looked up, his face twisted, rubbing his hand over Yuuri's chest, "does it... still... hurt?"

"It doesn't."

"I didn't mean to," Viktor said, and a tear dripped from his eye again. 

Yuuri rubbed his back, determined to push away his swirling, turbulent emotions - he felt like crying all at once, but they didn't need two people breaking down right now. "It wasn't your fault," he muttered, and kissed away Viktor's tears. "And we're together now. You're so silly," he said, "running away to cry here alone."

"I didn't run away," Viktor said petulantly, his voice now raspy with tears. "I left you a note." 

"Yes," Yuuri said, a little amused now, lacing their fingers together, "but you left me to wake up alone." 

Viktor frowned, rubbing at his heated eyes with his other hand which started to itch now, from the crying. Yuuri took his other hand and held it.

"Don't leave me to go and cry somewhere again," he said, sternly but gently, "I don't like to wake alone." 

Viktor caught Yuuri's eyes, and then caressed his cheek. "Okay," he replied, then kissed Yuuri's mouth, "I'm sorry." 

"And I'm cold and hungry, and I'm sure Makkachin is too, so let's go home." The poodle whined at her name, and licked Viktor's hand. Viktor patted the dog, and then sniffled, his eyes and nose and ears all red now, his teeth chattering from the cold. Yuuri laughed softly, fondly, and used his sleeve to wipe Viktor's mucus, and his tears, watching his husband scrunch up his nose, his complexion now blurry and inflamed, oddly still alluring. Yuuri felt a surge of fondness and protectiveness overriding the vague urge to cry. "You're so silly," he muttered, and unwound his scarf to tie it around Viktor's bare neck, covering his nose and ears so only his swollen eyes, with the matted sliver eyelashes showing. "You didn't have to cry so much."

Viktor threw his arms around Yuuri and huddled close, "I love you," he mumbled, "I love you so much."

"I love you too," Yuuri muttered, kissing Viktor's temple. He reached down to lace their fingers together, tugging Viktor back where they came. 

The sky brightened more, and the entire sea rippled under the shining rays, incandescent. There was a man, and another man, walking hand-in-hand, wind playfully ruffling their hair, a dog bounding after them. 

\---------

Yuuri heaped blankets on Viktor, who was sniffling pathetically on the sofa, his nose running. He pulled a blanket over his head, so only his face peaked out of the mass of fabric, Makkachin laying curled beside him.

"Drink this," Yuuri said, pushing a warm cup into Viktor's hands, and then resting a hand on Viktor's forehead, the other on his own to check their temperature.

"Russians don't get colds," Viktor snuffled, his voice thick, and Yuuri flicked his forehead.

"You wish," he said, and then tilted Viktor's face up. "Open your eyes wide."

Obediently, Viktor listened, and Yuuri carefully widened them with his fingers to drip eye drops into his eyes, caressing away the drops that trickled down his face. Yuuri shuffled away again and came back with his own cup, settling beside Viktor on the couch and letting the blanket-swaddled man flomp beside him, resting his head against Yuuri's shoulder. 

"Yuuri," Viktor mumbled into his cup, where the steam was fogging up his sight. "How... did you feel?"

"About you forgetting me?" Yuuri muttered, raising his hand to rest against the side of Viktor's head. "About getting married to someone else? About-" 

Yuuri turned to see Viktor's eyes welling up with guilty tears again, and Yuuri backtracked, waving his hands in front of him as he attempted to soften his words, then sighing and kissing his mouth chastely, leaning their foreheads together.

"Stop crying," he muttered, and Viktor sniffled again, leaving a wet streak on Yuuri's face. "You're so gross now," he said, taking a tissue and letting him blow his runny nose, then wiping his own. "I won't tell you if you keep crying." 

Viktor grumbled, but he huddled closer to Yuuri, sniffling against the hot skin on his neck. 

"Don't do that," Yuuri laughed, pushing him away, "your nose is still running, it's getting on me-" 

"Yuuri," Viktor whined, trying to nuzzle closer, his blankets slipping away as he climbed onto Yuuri's lap, nearly upsetting Yuuri's cup. Yuuri sighed amusedly, and set his cup aside for now, wrapping his arms around Viktor and settling him more comfortably on his lap. The older man pressed their chests together, and Yuuri tugged the fallen blankets over Viktor's shoulders again. 

"You're a big baby," Yuuri said, and rubbed Viktor's back soothingly. 

"Why don't you hate me?" Viktor asked, muffled where he had burrowed his face into Yuuri's shoulder. 

"I did, sometimes," Yuuri replied, and Viktor huffed out a breath, "I wondered why would you do that to me. I always thought that you falling in love with me was a fluke, and since it was a fluke it wouldn't be wrong if you fell out of love with me," he huffed out a sardonic laugh, and Viktor held him in a stranglehold, nearing choking him. Yuuri patted his head and he loosened his arms. "Well, that's how I dealt with that," he muttered, "not that it made me feel better. But now that you remembered, well..."

"I didn't mean to hurt you," Viktor mumbled, "I'm sorry, Yuuri." He pulled back and held onto Yuuri's face, squishing his cheeks between his palms. "But you- you! You just let me go without saying anything! You should've shown me pictures everyday and locked me in a room and made sure I could remember-" 

Yuuri laughed, pulling down Viktor's hands to kiss his palm. "You wouldn't have liked that," he said, "and you seemed to be happy that way." 

"But you were not."

"I thought that if you were happy I would be too, but I'm not so selfless like that," Yuuri said dryly, "I..." He sighed, his heart aching with phantom ache. He hiked his chin up Viktor's shoulder and snuggled closer.

"I'm sorry," Viktor repeated, like he could say enough apologies to nurse Yuuri's hurts.

"Like I said, it's not your fault. You didn't know. It was a fresh start for you, anyway." Yuuri stroked his head lightly and closed his eyes. "You're here."

"Yes, I am."

"And if you think about it," Yuuri said, nudging Viktor to shift into a more comfortable position, fumbling for the words. "You became my husband even before remembering these memories." A smile curled on his lips, "doesn't that mean you fell in love with me twice? And since you did, doesn't it mean you found your way back to me without what we had in the past? And doesn't this mean... you... belong inexorably... and completely... to me?"

Viktor pulled back, stared at Yuuri, eyes wondering, and Yuuri fidgeted under the bright stare, which was almost awe-struck, clear aquamarine blue glittering like sea stars. Viktor took his hands and guided them over his head and across the contours of his face, down his neck. "Yours," he said, gaze burning, "yours, and here," pressing Yuuri's hand against his heart. "All yours, as you are mine. I love you," he whispered, "Please hold on to me and never let me go. Even if... I can't remember you, I would want you to hold onto me." 

"I don't think I'll survive it if you went through another accident and forgot me again," Yuuri muttered, and Viktor strangled him in another hug.

"I won't," he said fiercely, "all these memories..." he choked up, and then let it out in a breath, shuddering from the weight of bittersweet memories, as dark and as thick as night. "I won't. I won't leave you again."

Yuuri closed his eyes and felt the tears, held at bay but dragged out by Viktor's firm assurance, start welling up his eyes again, finally letting them go in the assurance of Viktor's words and weight above him, grounding him, anchoring him in the here and now; _here_ , where Viktor's body heat was seeping into his body, making it almost unbearably hot, _now_ , with Viktor telling him he wanted Yuuri to keep him, and _forever_ , and ever, entwined together, never being apart. He felt the chorus of grief-joy-hope-triumph swell in him like a song, and it dripped down his face as tears soaking into Viktor's shoulder. Viktor too, wept, for the lost times, the bitter nostalgia, the separation, and for the brightness and security of their future together, for Yuuri's hand in his and walks along the beach and waking up together. They half-sobbed, half-laughed, until the tears tapered into laughter, giggling against each other's mouths as Yuuri pressed kisses onto Viktor's mouth, small, slightly hysterical ones. Viktor kissed back, pursing his lips, and running his fingers along Yuuri's cheek and the rose of his ear, pushing his hair back tenderly.

"Are you crying?" Viktor asked against Yuuri's mouth, his voice hoarse with tears.

"I'm not."

"But you are."

"I'm not," Yuuri insisted, then shoved Viktor sideways to bend over him and press their lips together in a very wet, very messy kiss. "Your tears got onto me, that's all," he muttered, as he nipped Viktor's mouth, feeling the intimate vibration of Viktor's chest as he retorted.

"I wasn't crying!" 

"You ran off to cry early in the morning. And your eyes are swollen."

"It's the sea wind," Viktor persisted, even as Yuuri bit the side of his neck and sucked a bruise there the colour of twilight. He laid there compliantly as Yuuri pressed kisses along the sprawl of his collarbones, simply resting a hand on Yuuri's dark head. Yuuri laughed, lifting his head to fix Viktor with a fond, arresting gaze. 

"Yes, yes," he chuckled, and kissed the tip of Viktor's nose. "Sure thing. Sea wind." 

Viktor pouted at Yuuri, who kissed his ridiculously protruding lower lip, before pulling away and sitting up. 

"I'm hungry," Yuuri said, patting his stomach. "Let's have lunch." Viktor sneezed loudly then, and Yuuri heaped more blankets on him and then nudged Makkachin to lay across Viktor's lap, where she climbed on obligingly. "You, rest," he ordered sternly, and dropped a kiss onto Viktor's forehead, a tender mark of affection. He then went into the kitchen and pulled the ingredients out for a soup, humming Vivaldi's Spring under his breath, and Viktor sniffled pathetically on the sofa.

Before long, Viktor got bored of the television and wandered over to Yuuri, winding his arms around Yuuri's waist and kissing the nape of his neck. "The best heater," he mumbled, and Yuuri sighed but indulged him, letting Viktor penguin-walk behind him as he puttered around the kitchen, his breath hot against the side of his neck.

"I don't like carrots." 

"Too bad," Yuuri said, ignoring Viktor as he pushed in the sliced carrots into the boiling pot. He continued humming the song, and Viktor soon joined in, adding in ad-libs and flourishes. When Yuuri finally placed the lid onto the pot, Viktor spun him around and placed hands on Yuuri's shoulder and waist, pushing a leg in between Yuuri's legs to urge him into an impromptu waltz.

Yuuri obliged, and soon they were dancing across the warm floor, giggling as Viktor's blanket-cape fluttered to the ground and as Makkachin started to prance around them, certain that her masters are playing a game. Viktor pulled Yuuri closer, resting his head on top of Yuuri's head, listening to Yuuri's soft voice strain at the notes too high for him.

"You're so strong," he said, watching the light bleed across their floor, the pot rattling cheerfully in the kitchen, as they turned a slow round. Viktor looked at their combined lives sprawled out around them, warm and cosy, as if possessed by light itself, as if the phantom sounds of music were threading through the air to lend it delicate joy. "The strongest person I've known. And thank you... for loving me so much." 

"Always," Yuuri whispered back, "so don't cry anymore. I don't want you remembering to change anything; I just want to be Yuuri-and-Viktor." 

"It won't change anything," Viktor replied seriously, stopping them and pulling Yuuri's hands up to kiss them. He crinkled his eyes at him, "but I have fallen in love with you more, and again," he laced their fingers together, kissing him.

"Good," Yuuri muttered fiercely, kissing back a little rougher, "I want more, so much more, so you will forever be bound to me, so that if I were eradicated, you would be too, I want to destroy you and be destroyed in return." He paused. Pushed Viktor away to look into his face. "Does that scare you?" 

A smile - edging into a smirk - played on Viktor's lips. "Scare me?" He said, his smile growing, "don't you know I love this sort of thing?" 

Yuuri grinned back. 

Later, the next day, perhaps, when the tears were gone and the raw bittersweetness ebbed away into something more tender, Viktor and Yuuri woke together. Viktor turned, yawning in the pale yellow light, smiling to himself as he saw Yuuri beside him, still fast asleep. His heart still ached a little, from the memories that unfurled like a long tapestry, but Yuuri's sleep-warmth was seeping into his body gently buoyed the ache away. Yuuri was persuaded to wake and dress, and they took a walk together on the beach, one hand wrapped around a cup of tea each, and the other hand tucked perfectly into the other person's.

Viktor squatted down at the edge of the shore, watching as the waves playfully race back and forth the sand, curious about the debris, sand, stone that were always left behind rolling, little pieces of broken, fragmented treasures glittering under the mid-morning sun. He wondered what stories they kept, what memories they held like closely-guarded secrets, and smiled a little to himself. Yuuri was walking down further away, but when Viktor stared at his back, he turned towards the scrutiny. The sun was bending its rays around Yuuri's shadowed body, but Yuuri's smile was bright. The frustratingly easy joy expanded in Viktor's chest, and he wanted to keep, forever, the curve of that smile with him, tucked near his heart. Viktor stood. Walked towards the light, and his husband, to there, together, and the future, as the waves laughed alongside him.

**Author's Note:**

> dear everyone who read, commented, and left your kudos, thank you so much! i am always heartened by them and they make my day （。＞ω＜）。
> 
> have a nice day ahead!


End file.
